So I’m a day late and a dollar short, but my 9 year anniversary to the awesome dude that sealed his fate by marrying me, was yesterday.  What better to post about then:  My hot mess take on how to make your marriage work, or at least so you don’t kill each other.

So Dr. Phil says here that a good marriage is all about communication.  Like you haven’t heard THAT one before!  But in my twisted way, I communicate in my own hot mess manner that seems to work for my husband.  See, I realize that we women are nutty and myself being apart of this group makes me insane as well.  I grew up in a household of nothing BUT women, and being one myself, I feel pretty authoritative on the subject.  Ladies, embrace and RECOGNIZE your nuttiness.

Once you recognize you are being nuts, then you can clearly communicate why you are saying and doing the crazy @$$ Sh&$ you are doing to your husband.  For example:  Most women who feel their husbands don’t pay them attention, won’t say anything to them  about it.  Instead they’ll just ignore them back (which in reality is not a punishment but a reward to most men) or they  just act really crappy (aka being a B!@$*). For some reason, we women think that men have this magical psychic ability just to KNOW why we’re upset.  HAHAHAAA!!! Do you also believe in unicorns?  They’re as real as men with said psychic abilities.  When a woman feels unloved, ignored or neglected and have a sudden urge for physical contact I call these:”Needy Fits.”  (I have the patent and copy right on that so you owe me 5 cents every time you use it)  Needy Fits are the little psychotic rages women get when they need some sort of physical recognition from their husband.  Husbands are the only cure to needy fits, and the fits last until the husbands administers the cure.  Depending on the neediness of the women, determines the amounts of fits per DAY (yes,  DAY!!).

I’m what my husband classifies as a Stage 5 clinger.  That’s pretty high on the neediness scale.  My needifits happen at a minimum of once a day.  It usually happens after I’ve tried out a new style of makeup, wearing new clothes, (basically physical changes that I’m hoping are positive ones), haven’t been kissed/hugged/ or any physical contact that day, or just because i’m female and nutz it could come on completely unprovoked.  (crazy huH?) So, when I feel a needy fit coming on this is how I cure them:

1.  I clearly state to my husband that I’m having a needy fit:  “HON! I’m having a needy fit!”

2.  I clearly explain to my husband what I need and for how long:  “Will you just come and sit next to me on the couch and snuggle for like 5 minutes then I’ll be good.”

3.  Make good on your expectations, and use good timing-these are critical to making sure your husband administers your needyfit cure.  I try to time my fits during commercials if my husbands watching TV or if he’s going in the kitchen to get a beer.  If I told him 5 minutes, I keep good on my word or release him even earlier.  It WILL NOT work (and in fact will backfire)  if you are trying to get him to relieve your needifit if he is: a) watching any sporting event b) fixing something c) chilling with dudes NEVER EVER make him deal with your needifit in front of OTHER DUDES! d) in a bad mood/stressed

Dudes, here are some other cures that will work for needifits:

1) a compliment doesn’t matter on what: “Dang woman I like those new shoe laces!”-swear to God it will work if you notice any change no matter how insignificant.

2) Kisses any kind! Pecks, smooches, leg lifting kind…doesn’t matter.

3) Snuggle:  hugs, sitting together, head on shoulder.

4) Tequila! (no seriously have you seen women when they drink tequila? I call it “baby maker” drink)

SO there ya go! My first tip on marriage:  NEEDIFITS!

….next episode we’ll talk about “The Scrambler” (that little thing in women’s brains that scrambles what they hear into complete nonsense).